My lobotomy scars are infected.

They hurt all of the time.

They said it wouldn't hurt much.

They told me that right before they put the little pins in my head.

They looked sort of like those little hooks that hold up Christmas tree ornaments.

They were not quite the same though.

They were more like two of those ornament hooks stuck together.

They had little loops on the ends of each piece, and they had little rough surfaces along the shanks. It sort of reminded me of the way a car-jack is made, with little ridges for the handle to fit into. But not quite the same. What do they call that?

I used to know. I will try to remember. I don't think I can.

It is very hard for me to say these things. I don't know a lot of the words. When I try to think, nothing much happens. Sometimes, if I relax, the words come to me, like the words that make this comp thing let me type.

There are a lot of things I don't remember.

I do remember the shots that they gave me made me feel real tired, and then I didn't feel like doing much so I just sat there when they put those little things under the skin of my head. That's when they told me it wouldn't hurt.

I remember that I didn't want them to do it, then.

I don't care now.

I don't remember changing my mind.

I don't think about it much now, because it hurts when I try to remember.

I get bad headaches.

I remember when the headaches started, it was right after that. They gave me a lot of shots.

There's a pretty nurse here. She sits in my room and reads a lot. She won't read to me though.

She says it's not allowed.

She's real young.

I remember now. They call that thing inside a car-jack a ratchet. It's like the little plastic things that they use to hold bundles of wire together.

It only goes one way.

I bet she just got out of nurse school. I bet that is why she reads all of the time.

She sure is pretty.

Sometimes I try to talk to her. She won't talk to me. She says it's not allowed.

She sits and watches me sometimes.

I remember when they put those things under the skin of my head. I don't understand what I remember.

They were talking about sutures, and how the ends of the ratchets had to be one on each side of the sutures.

I don't understand. I think that the ratchets were supposed to pull the sutures together.

My head used to be rounder. I can feel the difference. I saw in a mirror - my head is tall and skinny like an idiot.

There used to be these lines beneath the skin on my head, and that's where they put those ratchets.

The nurse is crying again. She say, why won't I shut up. Can't I shut up. She says she will shut up. She needs to keep her job. But can I please shut up.

My head is kind of lumpy now. It's tall and skinny and my neck doesn't work right. My neck is really stiff and I cannot hardly turn my head.

They don't give me shots any more.

My head used to be rounder. The lines overlap now.

My head hurts. They don't give me shots.

I itch where they put the ratchets. That's where the headaches come from.

The nurse is reading. She is halfway done with her book.

It is called "Flowers for Algernon".

I try to pick at the itchy places, but it hurts when I do.

The nurse says I will get infected. She says it will be bad if I get infected.

Did I say that. I can't remember. I remember lots of things from long ago. I don't understand them. I don't remember anything but those things I don't understand. Anymore.

Why is the nurse crying.

She's almost done with her book.

She says she can't stand it.

She says she didn't go to school for this.

I don't know what she means.

She comes over to me and she takes out a knife.

She puts it on my head.

She pulls and cuts.

I don't understand.

It hurts.

She is a nurse. Nurses sometimes hurt you. They say it will make you better.

Am I better now?

She has ratchets in her hand. They have blood on them. And skin she looks at her watch.

Lie down she says.

Don't tell she says.

I felt better the next day. I don't have headaches.

She doesn't tell me to shut up.

She looked at her watch a lot.

She looked at her watch and she came over to me and pushed on my head a few times.

I heard cracking.

I don't have headaches now.

My head is rounder. It's bigger. It's not so skinny like an idiot or a retard. More like the head of a man. I think I can think now.

She is such a pretty nurse.

She is not crying.

They shot her.

They gave me a shot.

I have little cuts right next to my eyes.

I don't care.

But there is water coming from my eyes. There is water coming from the little cuts.

I don't care.

I remember everything now.

I understand now.

I don't care.

I could complain about the pain in my brows, but I don't think I will.

Soon I will have a fever and they will only have my body to destroy.

I don't care.

I can't.

My lobotomy scars are infected.

I like that.