From - Wed Sep 18 13:43:01 1996
Newsgroups: alt.psychotic.roommates
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From: jubal@linknet.net (Jason Rene Fournier)
Subject: Re: Repost Ways to drive your roommate crazy...
Message-ID: <9c7cc$1116.396@NEWS>
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 96 06:11:58 GMT
Organization: Tomorrow
X-Newsreader: News Xpress 2.0 Beta #2
Lines: 1173
Someone asked for a repost of the list.
I posted the complete list about a week or so ago, only it wasn't 50, it was
500+, and it wasn't "ways to drive your roommate crazy", I used "Ways to
Confuse Your Roommate". The titles will constantly metamorph; but
"Confuse..." is the way I first saw the list, so that's what I use.
This post contains the most up to date version I know of, including some
recent additions which were emailed to me. I'm not crossposting this to the
humor groups until I have some more to show, hopefully between 530 and 550.
If you have/find/invent any new ones, please let me know!
Email: jubal@linknet.net
--Jason Rene Fournier
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510 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE
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1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to
them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out
of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually
work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the
ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the
middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your
roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're
more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
"Casablanca") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias on a
kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your
performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off
when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you
think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho-Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat
it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand
that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
three weeks.
38. Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Set
one aside from the rest. Laugh hysterically at the one toothbrush.
When your roommate asks about it, refuse to discuss the situation.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave off one of your roommate's eyebrows. Comment repeatedly on how
it makes him/her look younger.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile
your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments,
mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly
that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them
as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's e-mail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave
the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If
s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
54. Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and
giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a
while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the
ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out.
Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into
the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever s/he goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a
towel, and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take
his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to
him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like
you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks,
say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your
roommate.
65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say
anything, just stare.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a
problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask
your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you
don't trust your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort
for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in
his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when
you leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where s/he can find
them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and s/he walks in, hang up immediately
without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two
minutes, then call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling
above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
84. Use a bible as Kleenex.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce
the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate.
The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
88. Collect Chia Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray
three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that s/he is in the room, come barging in out of breath.
Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a
hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to
eat.
95. Urinate in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't
looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Each night before you
go to bed, take a big swig from the jar.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk
by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
100. Dress in drag.
101. Buy Lay's potato chips with all your money. Stack the bags in the
middle of the room in a pyramid. Eat them whenever your roommate is in
the room. For every one you eat, offer your roommate one, each time
telling him, "No one can eat just one."
102. Wear no clothes in the room except a cowboy hat.
103. Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan gods.
104. Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he
takes a step in the room. Put up a "please don't walk on the grass"
sign.
105. Give your roommate's clothes to the Salvation Army.
106. Pretend to shower often but only wash your hair in the sink. See how
long it takes your roommate to notice.
107. Read lots of science fiction and begin to act as though you think your
roommate is an alien in disguise. Jump on him/her and try to rip off
the humanoid mask the alien is wearing.
108. Invite a homeless person to live in your room and sleep in your
roommate's bed.
109. Set off the smoke alarm in your room and tell the fire department your
roommate was smoking.
110. Become your own twin brother and tell your roommate that you and your
brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the
same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.
111. Sleep face down under your mattress on a bunkbed and stare at your
roommate all night through the springs.
112. Wear ammonia as a cologne.
113. Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up.
114. Whenever your roommate wakes up, go to sleep.
115. Have really weird friends who have strange loud conversations.
Whenever your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her
until s/he leaves.
116. Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then ask your roommate not
to look at it because demonic forces from the other side will escape
into this world if s/he does.
117. Build an antfarm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your
roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
118. Wear nothing but tightie-whities whenever your roommate has guests.
119. Nail boards across your window. When your roommate asks why, tell
him/her you know they're all watching you.
120. Start a scab collection. Keep it in a locked glass case on your desk.
Tell your roommate that you know s/he was looking for the key.
121. Leave Kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the floor. Tell guests that
your roommate is disgusting and show them.
122. Start a new-wave cult. Hold nightly candle-lit rituals in your room
with your followers.
123. Begin to accumulate a used gum ball. Weigh it every day. Accuse your
roommate of stealing gum.
124. Throw blood on your roommate when s/he is wearing a coat and shout,
"Animal killer!"
125. Get a friend to leave a phone message for you with your roommate,
saying the test results came back positive. When your roommate tells
you, cough, faint, and then refuse to discuss it.
126. Laugh a lot in the morning. Tell your roommate to be happy all the
time.
127. Put no-doze pills in your roommate's drinks.
128. Set your alarm clock for three o'clock. Push the doze button every 5
minutes when it beeps for the next five hours, each time telling your
roommate that you'll wake up in five minutes.
129. Get your roommate's social security number. Call the registrar and
switch all of his/her classes. Tell your roommate at the end of the
term that the Philosophical Environmental Anthropology exam is
supposed to be really hard. Wish him/her luck.
130. Play Dungeons & Dragons all the time. Tell your roommate to obey you
because you are the Dungeon Master. Attack invisible dragons with a
cardboard sword.
131. Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.
132. Learn the words to all your roommate's favorite songs. Sing along.
133. Learn to play an accordion.
134. Make a contract with the Mafia to kill your roommate. Become a
born-again Christian and dreadfully regret your actions. Explain to
your roommate the situation, how sorry you are, and that there is
nothing you can do to prevent the hit. Try to convert your roommate
before s/he dies.
135. Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it
and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
136. Put Vaseline on everything. Tell your roommate that you were just
trying to "loosen up" the room.
137. Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is projecting negative
karma.
138. Whenever your roommate gets clothes back from the laundry, hide them.
Then wear some every day until you have removed all the stolen clothes
from hiding and they are all now dirty. Ask your roommate to wash them
again.
139. Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say
nothing but quotes for three weeks.
140. Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them to your roommate
as a peace offering from Peter (the iguana).
141. Bring several dogs to your room. Hold conversations with them whenever
your roommate comes in. If s/he complains, tell him/her s/he is being
prejudiced on the basis of your friends' species. Call him/her a
bigot.
142. Sign up your roommate for all the radical organizations on campus. If
they call, tell them s/he is very interested in and in favor of their
cause.
143. Buy seven different colored yo-yo's. Practice with them seven hours a
day, alternating yo-yo's on the hour.
144. Create an animal cemetery in your floor. Hold memorial services. If
your roommate complains, tell him/her that s/he has no respect for the
dead.
145. When your roommate is typing, type on your keyboard in
synchronization.
146. Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you
up and run quickly from the room. If your roommate asks, tell him/her
"Dammit, Jim, I'm just a doctor!"
147. Buy forty two-liter bottles of generic soda. Dump out one bottle.
Every time you drink a bottle, piss in the empty one. Do so until you
have thirty-nine bottles of urine. Complain to your roommate that
generic soda tastes awful.
148. Order five anchovy pizzas in your roommate's name. When the deliverer
arrives, tell them that your roommate likes to play jokes on the pizza
place and then your roommate lies about his/her ordering. Tell them
where s/he is.
149. Put in your contacts when you go to bed. Scream in agony as you rip
them from your bloody eyelids in the morning. Put them in again that
night. Complain to your roommate that you just can't see a darned
thing anymore.
150. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate
eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the
bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If s/he
asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
151. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while s/he is
asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate
every morning.
152. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud
as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards,
keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going
somewhere?"
153. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait
for your roommate to come back. When s/he does, walk in and act
surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
154. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick
him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
155. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've
been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her
that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
156. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you
wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream
Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
157. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and
stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that
visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have
to face the consequences.
158. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your
roommate a full report. Insist that s/he do the same.
159. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in
training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
160. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate
you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was
home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
161. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am
I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed.
If your roommate asks, say you don't know what s/he is talking about.
162. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at
it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
163. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and
the napkin. Throw everything else away.
164. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same
room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of
the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
165. Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops
out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
166. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats
eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
167. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look
at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
168. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When s/he comes back and
tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for
several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take
off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
169. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours
of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in
front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? S/he won't be here much
longer."
170. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head
with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful
little..."
171. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know
how they got there.
172. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep
one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
173. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room
and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate.
One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a
will, leaving everything to you. Every time s/he coughs, excitedly
say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
174. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff
back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
175. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, she's around here
somewhere."
176. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the
message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint
again. Keep this up for several weeks.
177. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that s/he needs bowling shoes.
178. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself.
Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking
backwards again.
179. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
180. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective
student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate
protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that s/he hurt its
feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
181. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey,
where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
182. Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the
poor picture quality.
183. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every
day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie
down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your
roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the
window again.
184. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one
after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others.
Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it.
Explain to your roommate, "He/She just didn't belong."
185. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave,
and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel
sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
186. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your
roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your
roommate to bring you food and water.
187. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear
for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door
only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
188. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that
you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
189. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your
roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
190. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It
won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers.
Repeat the process for a few weeks.
191. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often.
Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling
him/her "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm
sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
192. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
193. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if s/he
knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty
side of the room with concern.
194. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and
scream, "Owwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to
bed. Sob and sniff all night.
195. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say,
"That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
196. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and
go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you
can come out now."
197. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to
take it off, say, "Who the hell do you think you are? A king?"
198. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster
with two players."
199. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended,
throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up,
explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
200. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless s/he
says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate
can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
201. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play
loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off
the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was
fun while it lasted."
202. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim
that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your
roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
203. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the
toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out
the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
204. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If s/he refuses, claim that you
have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room.
Insist that s/he remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
205. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide,
blood donor, organ donor).
206. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that
you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your
roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim
that s/he has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
207. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain
that your feet hurt.
208. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying
to kill a mosquito.
209. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If s/he asks about it,
tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans
to your roommate.
210. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a
hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost
of light bulbs.
211. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then
stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops
on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
212. Shave off one of your eyebrows. Look at your profile in the mirror for
hours each day; first one side, then the other. Every three minutes,
remark to your roommate, "Something looks different..." When s/he
comments on your eyebrow, look surprised and ask when your one eyebrow
appeared.
213. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside
it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the
week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame
your roommate.
214. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.
Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If
your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
215. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one
that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be
done."
216. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow!
837-9494! Holy cow!")
217. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If
your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box
with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box
with his/her shadow.
218. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and
yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
219. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is
missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
220. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your
roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate
says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a
suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
221. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say,
"Don't worry. It's not what you think." If s/he asks about it again,
immediately change the subject.
222. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the
mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately
put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
223. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit
your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and
grumble, "Damn road runner...."
224. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what
you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
225. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If s/he
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
226. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to
have a conversation.
227. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Refer to your roommate as "matey."
Threaten to make him/her walk the plank if s/he doesn't swab the deck.
228. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your
roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech
to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while
eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
229. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your
roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope,
act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
230. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with
the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms
that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
231. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your
roommate goes to take a shower.
232. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to
McDonald's, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat,
sit, and pout.
233. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things
and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her
that you just couldn't take it anymore.
234. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your
roommate to let you back in. If s/he asks about it, go on a tangent
about the importance of good manners.
235. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good
luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages.
When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe
used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
236. Carve a jack-o'lantern. Complain to your roommate that the
jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your
roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks s/he has been staring at it.
Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the
jack-o'lantern,
but you can't convince it to move out.
237. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing
famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the
light, look around and pretend to be confused.
238. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to
basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for
about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the
refrigerator has been taking steroids.
239. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you
love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on,
complain about how much you hate lemonade.
240. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good
old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and
your roommate.
241. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an
hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
242. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you.
Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these
zoos just aren't what they used to be."
243. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going
to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything
on his/her side of the room. When s/he returns, explain that the
earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
244. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a Band-Aid on your
forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
245. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your
roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
246. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them,
and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day.
Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into
a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think
the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
247. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can
fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate
objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
248. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the
hall.
249. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training.
Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the
camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it
again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
250. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're
for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your
roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having
bitten one of the cookies. If s/he tries to tell you the Sandman did
it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and
that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble
angrily and storm out of the room.
251. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to
him/her before s/he goes to class.
252. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and
fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then,
one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing,
get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
253. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without
one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the
book is.
254. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf
for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off
the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate
comes over to "rescue" you.
255. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day.
Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of
ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the
empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
256. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in.
Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that
the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests
plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
257. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going
away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If
your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man/woman to find.
258. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell
him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
259. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of
water. When s/he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to
sleep. If s/he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the
bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging
sounds, until s/he does so.
260. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and
begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If s/he asks about
it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
261. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile
at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you
again."
262. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then
jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing
beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of
beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at
your roommate.
263. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake
him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
264. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you
every morning.
265. Recite Dr. Seuss books all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for
the words and sing them loudly and directly to your roommate. If s/he
tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
266. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey
them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns
until s/he pays the tickets.
267. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate
inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry, little buckaroo. You'll be safe
with me."
268. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering
you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
269. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying
in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a
Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
270. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into
walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?"
every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the
glasses, act like you can see fine.
271. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with
your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a
connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your
roommate that "Grandma said 'hi.'"
272. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your
collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act
surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one
of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
273. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically
for about five minutes every time you put one on.
274. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate,
crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that
s/he looked like "the enemy."
275. Put headphones on your roommate while s/he is sleeping, and
subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and
memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
276. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your
head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window
again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head
on something.
277. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you
upon sight. If s/he refuses, insist that s/he do 100 push-ups. Keep
saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any
more."
278. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to
it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that
sailboat."
279. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into
the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate
inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
280. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like
you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message
from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one
in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
281. Whenever your roommate has company, walk over into the middle of the
room and sit down cross-legged without saying a word. Be oblivious to
their presence. Pull a long piece of string out of your pocket,
leaving one end still in your pocket. Take the other end and place it
in your mouth. Make loud chewing noises as you chew on the string. If
anybody says anything give them a questioning look, grunt, and
continue to chew while staring, unfocused, straight ahead.
282. Buy a copy of Helter Skelter or Silence of the Lambs or any equally
gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the
book (or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling, "That looks good..."
as you highlight passages in the book.
283. Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "Snakes,
snakes!"
284. Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as
possible under your roommate's name. Complain that you never get mail.
285. Wear your clothing backwards and walk around the room backwards.
286. Carry a pair of walkie-talkies with you at all times. Insist that s/he
use one when ever s/he wants to talk to you.
287. Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you're
doing behind the couch, under the table, etc., look at them
exasperatedly, come out of hiding and tell him/her that s/he gave away
your hiding place. Refuse to talk to him/her for several hours.
288. Tie bedsheets together into a rope. Use it to get out of the dorm
every morning.
289. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it.
Name it. Sleep in it.
290. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door,
screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
291. Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
292. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at
him/her for not listening to you.
293. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.
If s/he agrees, ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music.
Explain that Bob has a headache.
294. Start a brothel.
295. Constantly slip and fall on your carpet.
296. Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: "If it's yellow let it
mellow, if it's brown flush it down." Check every time to make sure
s/he follows it.
297. Invite the Dean to sleep over.
298. Invite the school President to sleep over.
299. Invite your roommate to sleep over.
300. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your
roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
301. Walk into walls.
302. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
303. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm
melting!"
304. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare
at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
305. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching
you."
306. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back
and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!" until s/he
comes out.
307. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into
Gumby.
308. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots
taking over the world.
309. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after
it rots.
310. Wear a silly hat.
311. Tell him/her that you're committing suicide, and let him/her find some
dynamite under your bed.
312. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
313. Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new
position every night.
314. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you're
afraid of aliens.
315. Eat raw pasta for dinner.
316. Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you
intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.
317. Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.
318. Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you
are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantaloupe and a knife.
Stick the knife in the cantaloupe. Lay it on the pillow where your
head should be.
319. Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a
day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another
hour washing your face and hands, etc.
320. Buy copies of Playgirl if you are male, or Playboy if you are female.
Read the magazine very slowly. If your roommate comments, grin and
say, "I bought it for the articles."
321. Take a thirty-minute shower. Turn the water off. Go to the toilet for
five minutes. Get back in the shower and take another thirty-minute
shower. If your roommate comments, shake your head and mutter, "Damn
diarrhea."
322. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
323. Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
324. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five
minutes after s/he gets home, walk out. If s/he comments, act as if
you don't know what s/he's talking about.
325. Carve grotesque, morbid, and/or erotic pictures into your bedframe
with a butcher knife.
326. Place porn mags, both soft- and hard-core, around the room. Buy ten or
twenty jars of Vaseline. Stack them in a pile in a corner on the
floor. Whenever your roommate is expecting company, smear your hands
with Vaseline. When greeting them, shake hands vigorously for a
minute.
327. Whenever you're talking to your roommate, add extra words to your
sentences ("Hey Dan, did you turn in your Calculus -lick- homework?").
When talking to other people around your roommate, add his/her name to
your conversation ("Can you give me the -Dan- notes for Friday's
physics class?"). If your roommate comments, act as if you don't know
what s/he's talking about.
328. Take up playing a musical instrument. Practice constantly in the room,
but don't play anything coherent. Play "Hot Cross Buns" or similar
three-note songs twenty times until you get it perfect.
329. Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any
cookbooks or recipes.
330. Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt.
Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you
were being held captive by ten Mesopotamian foot soldiers in full
battle array.
331. Burn candles at night. Yell at your roommate if s/he turns on any
light and claim that they'll scare "your friends" away.
332. Invite your invisible friends over for a few weeks. Blame them when
all his/her beer is gone. Be convincing.
333. Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!!
334. Whenever your boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps over, leave wearing his/her
clothes.
335. Hide all your roommate's stuff and tell him/her that s/he never lived
with you. Extra points if s/he checks with the housing director.
336. Give your roommate a plastic bag. Ask him/her to shit in it because
your pet dung beetles are hungry.
337. Borrow your roommate's clothes. Offer to wash them, then act like they
were yours all along.
338. Replace his/her toothpaste with Fix-O-Dent.
339. If you live on the first floor, refuse to use the door. Climb in and
out through the window. Claim doctor's orders.
340. Hide under a pile of dirty clothes in the closet. Twitch a lot and
mutter, "They can't suck my brain if they can't find me!"
341. Scratch your head a lot. Pretend to eat the lice you find. Offer one
to your roommate.
342. Don't shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench. Demand
that your roommate do his/her laundry.
343. Talk about your roommate to the little man who lives in your pocket.
344. Groom yourself like a cat.
345. Build a fort out of beer cans. Refuse to come out until you are
granted audience with Zontar, High Lord of Saria 3.
346. Organize a black mass. Tell your roommate that the sacrifice backed
out at the last minute and if s/he would volunteer.
347. Say everything in Pig Latin.
348. Save all of your nail clippings. Make sculptures out of them.
349. Refer to yourself in the royal third person.
350. Funnel Pepsi.
351. Spend all of your money on Alvin and the Chipmunks records. Play them
constantly. Say that it's an assignment for your "Popular Music in the
Youth Subculture" class.
352. Save the wrappers to everything that you eat. Collect them in a ball
and store it on your roommate's bed.
353. Paint a mural depicting Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo on your
roommate's mattress. Hand it in to your art teacher for a grade.
354. Refuse to wash your underwear. Say that you are trying to prove
LaMarck's theory of spontaneous generation.
355. Develop ESP. Answer all of your roommate's questions before s/he asks
them.
356. Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor.
357. Save your used tissues. Have snowball fights.
358. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.
359. Throw out your bed. Move in with your roommate.
360. Wear all of your clothes backwards.
361. Buy a snake. Give it free reign of the room.
362. Name your books. Call them like dogs when it's time to study.
363. Cut the faces out of all your pictures.
364. Hang all of your posters up facing the wall.
365. Pick up the phone every two minutes. Then slam it down and say, "Damn,
missed them again!" Continue for two weeks.
366. Dance around the room with underwear on your head while listening to
old Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass records. If your roommate
questions you, throw a pair on his/her head and TANGO!!!
367. Wear khakis and riding boots around the room. Goosestep often.
368. Steal all of your roommate's pens. Make a tower out of them. Bite
him/her if s/he tries to get them back.
369. Develop Multiple Personality Disorder. Use your other selves to act
out Shakespearean tragedies.
370. Open the window. After 30 minutes, complain about the cold and open it
wider.
371. Two words: Nudist colony.
372. Listen to Morrisey. Be happy before, during, and after you listen.
373. Tattoo your roommate's name on your butt. Insist that s/he do the same
for you.
374. Get a loft. Sleep hanging upside down from it like a bat.
375. Play Dungeons and Dragons a lot. (A lot means that you should own a
sword, and at some time during the year you should dress up as your
character.)
376. Wear Underoos.
377. Carve a large phallus. Pray to it daily.
378. Walk around with a hot dog sticking out of your fly. Act like it isn't
there.
379. Put a chamber pot in your closet. Fill it with lemon-lime Gatorade.
Pretend to use it. Drink from it and offer your roommate a cup.
380. Make your finger talk to you. Write backwards on the walls.
381. Constantly ask your roommate, "Do you feel lucky?" while fingering a
bulge under your jacket.
382. Put peas in the toilet everytime you go to the bathroom.
383. Listen to nothing but obscure Broadway musicals. Learn all the words
and sing along. Be sure to do all the different voices.
384. Get a copy of your roommate's car key. Turn his/her car around in its
parking space. A few days later, move it to the next space. A few days
after that, move it two spaces over. Continue until you start moving
the car to a different lot.
385. Shave off one of your eyebrows. Buy a doll or plush animal and shave
one of its eyebrows as well. Whenever you enter the room, give a
secret salute and handshake to the toy. Sit with it for hours and talk
loudly about the folly of the two-eyebrowed ones.
386. Open a can of his/her beans or spaghetti, empty it into his/her bed
and then replace the can in the cupboard.
387. Replace the fuses in his electrical equipment with a lower rating.
388. Move all of his furniture outside. Tell him/her that it was such a
nice day out, you wanted to be sure s/he enjoyed it.
389. Eat jewelry. Accessorize food.
390. Smash your roommate's favorite cassettes and wrap the tape around your
naked body, running around the apartment screaming "Fly, be free! Fly,
be free!"
391. Watch TV at least 15 hours a day. Before doing so, turn the set around
so it faces the wall. Watch the back of it.
392. Invite your roommate to play catch out in the yard. Every time you
catch the ball, catch it near your head. Fall to the ground screaming.
393. Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start
again.
394. Complain about your menstral cramps. Loudly. This works best, of
course, if you happen to be male.
395. Make some rice for dinner. Pause suddenly, spit out a mouthful and
scream "Maggots! Maggots!" Blame your roommate. When done, make more
rice and finish eating.
396. Try to convince your roommate that you are indeed Louis XVI of France.
Every time he grabs a knife or cuts something scream in terror and go
running out of the apartment clutching your neck.
397. Pretend you are Jan Brady. (Marsha Marsha Marsha!)
398. When talking to him/her, alternate between being exceedingly polite
and disgustingly rude every sentence.
399. Scratch yourself and others. Stop when you draw blood.
400. Play violent games with imaginary friends.
401. Communicate using only your eyebrows and tongue.
402. Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave.
403. Sacrifice vegetables in the middle of the room.
404. Worship the Professor and Mary Ann.
405. Hang your roommate in effigy.
406. Never allow your roommate's head to be below yours.
407. Pretend your arms and legs have been amputated. Insist that you
"cannot wipe."
408. Speak at length about your lust for Pippi Longstocking as your
roommate tries to fall asleep.
409. Sit in the room all weekend rubbing a baseball bat. When your roommate
enters the room, close your eyes and rub as fast as you can.
410. Complain vehemently that pedophilia legislation is "too restrictive."
411. Find out your roommate's mother's name. Tatoo it on your inner thigh,
then claim, "She made me do it!"
412. When your roommate has been awake for several minutes, run up to
him/her screaming "Rashes! Rashes!" as loud as you can. Repeat during
classes.
413. Light your hair on fire. Refuse to put it out.
414. Keep a harem of thirty Cabbage Patch Kids. Ask if your roommate "has
any desires."
415. While your roommate sleeps, insert straws into his/her nose. If s/he
removes them, administer CPR.
416. Repeat everything your roommate says, but without the consonants.
417. When your roommate enters the room, chain yourself to the bed and make
beckoning gestures. Look demure.
418. Go through his/her books hilighting all instances of the words "death"
and "children." Insist that he study them.
419. Go through medical supply catalogs circling all electric drill and
suction devices. Leave them (the catalogs, not the devices) lying
around.
420. Administer last rites as s/he sleeps.
421. Quote Bob Barker at length.
422. Wear decoder rings. Insist that s/he kiss them.
423. Wear a hard hat at all times. Remove it when your roommate enters the
room and dive under the bed.
424. Pretend to administer electro-schock therapy as s/he studies.
425. Whenever s/he has friends over, complain loudly about his/her hygiene.
Be graphic.
426. Paint targets on the back of all his/her shirts. Buy a crossbow.
427. When you write, use the wrong end of the pen. Ask him/her why it
doesn't work. When s/he explains it to you, nod thoughtfully and say,
"OK, I've got it." Turn the paper over, and try again.
428. Remove the shelves from the refrigerator. Sit inside, moaning
periodically.
429. Leave urgent telephone messages for him/her when no one has called.
430. Give unsolicited sensual massages at least once daily.
431. Go for joy-rides in the washing machine.
432. Pack your roommate's clothing in ice overnight. Put it back in the
dresser before s/he wakes up.
433. Carry a crowbar with you at all times. Dress it.
434. Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk.
435. Carry an electric fan at all times. Speak into it.
436. Follow your roommate around all day whispering, "I can reach where you
can't."
437. Write on your arms and legs with coarse sandpaper.
438. Nail meat to the walls. Bacon is best.
439. Collect cow tongues. Paint them. Nail them up next to the bacon.
440. Try to eat your own ear.
441. Lie spread-eagled on your roommate's bed. Make him/her move you.
442. Chase your roommate with a bloody toothbrush. Tell him/her "It only
hurts for a little while."
443. Lick his/her feet as he sleeps. If s/he wakes up, apologize. After
s/he falls asleep, start licking his/her face.
444. Call him/her Mommy.
445. Invite your roommate's parents to a "surprise" party for your
roommate. When they get there, stone them.
446. Buy a gerbil. Go into your room and close the door. Hide the gerbil in
the closet, and then giggle and squirm uncontrollably for the rest of
the day.
447. Put tapes/CDs in the stereo and listen to them with the volume off.
Replace them regularly. Tell your roommate to be quiet so you can
hear.
448. Stand behind him/her while he brushes his teeth. When s/he takes the
brush out of his/her mouth, force it back in.
449. Announce everything you do as a group activity. (i.e. "We're going to
bed now.") If your roommate fails to do whatever you said, accuse
him/her of not being a "team player."
450. Every hour on the hour, call to get the time. Reset each of your
clocks to the second. Remark that your roommate has no respect for the
virtue of being prompt.
451. Plug your telephone handset into your modem's in jack. Make the modem
noises into the handset. ("Wheeeheeeeooooaiyeee...") Complain about
how your stupid computer never works.
452. Develop partial amnesia each time you go to sleep. When you wake up,
claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate. Spend hours
finding out everything about him/her, and just before you go to bed,
say you think you and s/he will be great friends. When you wake up,
claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate...
453. When your roommate leaves the room, raid his/her sock drawer. Switch
one of each pair of your roommate's socks with one of your own.
454. Buy a bunch of T-shirts with flamboyant designs. Wear them inside out.
Look in the mirror often and say, "This looked so much better in the
store..."
455. Watch TV continually. Change channels so that you only see the
commercials. Memorize the commercials verbatim and chant them after
lights out.
456. Spell out the last word of each sentence you say to your roommate.
457. Learn Morse code. Adopt it as your sole method of communication.
458. Announce on the answering machine that your roommate has moved out.
Tell anyone who calls for him/her not to call here anymore.
459. When your roommate is out of the room, move his/her possessions over
to your side of the room. When s/he returns, throw the things back
over to your roommate's side, angrily telling him/her, "Stop invading
my space."
460. Redivide the room horizontally. Claim you want the bottom half.
461. Eat lots of alphabet soup. Throw out any of the letters that are in
your roommate's name; claim you want nothing to do with them.
462. Count down the days till the next full moon. Whenever you cross out
another day, get a wild look in your eyes and mutter, "Soon...so very
soon..."
463. Read your textbooks aloud. Ask your roommate for help on big words.
464. Compose an obituary for your roommate. Keep it posted in a conspicuous
place and update it frequently. Report the date of death as one week
before the end of the semester.
465. Give your roommate a jar of peanuts. Wait until s/he has eaten half of
them, then explain they used to be chocolate-covered, but you licked
all the chocolate off of them. As an aside, mention that you are
coming down with the flu.
466. Explain that you need to sell your bed to make ends meet. Ask if you
can sleep in your roommate's bed. If s/he refuses, ask if you can sell
his/her bed instead.
467. Two words: pet liverwurst.
468. Move all of your possessions to your roommate's side of the room, and
all of his/her possessions to your side. Move everything back the next
day. Do this each day for a week.
469. If your roommate has cans of Chef Boyardee, buy dog food in
similar-size cans. Switch the labels.
470. Hold a raffle with your roommate as the prize.
471. Five minutes after you go to bed, claim that you think the Boogeyman
is hiding in your closet. Make your roommate check the closet. Five
minutes later, claim he is hiding under your bed. Make your roommate
check. Repeat as desired.
472. Dress as similarly as possible like your roommate. Walk closely next
to him/her the whole day, remarking "Don't we look like twins?" to any
passersby.
473. Do impressions all the time. Good ones to try: Mr. T, Gilbert
Gottfried, Judy Tenuta, Roseanne Barr.
474. Become a secret agent for a week. Eat every piece of paper after
reading it. Speak into your lapel. Accuse your roommate of stealing
the secret plans to the world's greatest battlestation. Carry a gun.
475. Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.
476. Masterbate constantly into jars. Eat nothing but mayonnaise sandwiches.
477. Repeat thoughtfully the last word of everything your roommate says (e.g.
Your roommate: "How are you doing today?" You: "Today.... Today......")
478. Continuously refer to your roommate using terms of endearment
(sweetcheeks, honeybuns, bubblebutt). Slap him/her in the face if s/he
ever does the same.
479. Kill several people. Store the corpses underneath your roommate's bed.
Call the police.
480. Become Forrest Gump.
481. Incessantly rant about the government's attempts to control our minds by
poisoning us with Dihydrous Monoxide. If your roommate tries to explain
that Dihydrous Monoxide = H2O = Water, exclaim "HA!! THAT'S WHAT THEY
/WANT/ YOU TO THINK!!!!"
482. Intensely study the complete list of ways to annoy your roommate. Form
a discussion group with your roommate. Give tests.
483. Start a food drive around campus to feed your roommate. Comment often on
how fat s/he's getting.
484. Read nothing but "Human Calculator" books. Consistently make mistake's
on simple math (e.g. "2 + 2 = ..3? No, 5! No.......")
485. Every morning, send out control messages to add a new newsgroup called
'alt.kill.'. Apologize often to your roommate.
Say it was a typo.
486. Whenever you hear police siren (even from TV, radio, etc), jump
underneath your bed muttering "I didn't do it, I didn't do it...",
twitching as you do so.
487. Watch Barney every morning, preferably while your roommate lie sleeping.
Sing along loudly.
488. When grounding beef, stare at your roommate and mutter "Soon, very
soon..."
487. Get a jar, put one string of cooked spaghetti in it, and fill it with
water. Label the jar "Round Worm - Do not remove from lab". Leave it
for two weeks, and then eat half of it in front of your roommate. Insist
s/he eat the other half.
488. Talk to your roommate through your ass. Discuss politics.
489. Secretly play with a whoopie cushion while s/he's sleeping. If s/he
wakes up, pretend to be sleeping, sit up (still "asleep"), and chant
"Beans Beans the Magical Fruit, the More You Eat, the More You Toot."
The following morning, invite your roommate to Taco Bell for breakfast.
And at Christmastime...
490. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to
bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and trash on the floor.
491. Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to
get off.
492. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
493. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting,
"Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
494. Hang mistletoe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the
room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
495. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and
sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "You've been very naughty this
year."
496. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how
you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
497. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e. "You know, I saw
mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.")
498. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
499. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."
500. Give your roommate the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas" song.
501. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head.
When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically, "It didn't work!"
502. Whip your roommate screaming "Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and
Blitzen..."
503. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah
Humbug!"
504. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please
have mercy on my soul!"
505. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on
34th Street.
506. Pin a pointsettia to your lapel.
507. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts
first.
508. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends
"give it a yank."
509. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying, "Every time a bell rings an angel
gets his wings."
510. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"
over and over in your
511. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing,
"He sees you when you're sleeping..."
512. Steal a life-size nativity scene and display it in your room. When
your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's
no room at the inn."
513. When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions.
Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.
514. Smoke mistletoe. Do whatever comes naturally.